Way back, when I was just a little bitty boy, living in a box under the stairs in the corner of the basement of the house half a block down the street from Jerry's Bait Shop... you know the place. Well, anyway, back then, life was going swell and everything was just peachy. Except, of course, for the undeniable fact that every single morning, my mother would make me a big ol' bowl of sauerkraut for breakfast. Every single morning. It was driving me crazy. I said to my mom, I said "Hey, Mom, what's up with all the sauerkraut?" And my dear sweet mother, she just looked at me like a cow looks at an upcoming train. And she leaned right down next to me, and she said: "IT'S GOOD FOR YOU!!!!!!" And then she tied me to the wall and stuck a funnel in my mouth and force-fed me nothing but sauerkraut until I was 26 and a half years old. That's when I swore that someday, I would get outta that basement and travel to a magical, far-away place, where the sun is always shining and the air smells like warm root beer, and the towels are oh-so-fluffy. Where the shriners and the lepers play their ukeleles all day long and anyone on the street will gladly shave your back for a nickel. Well, let me tell you, people, it wasn't long at all before my dream came true! Because the very next day, a local radio station had this contest to see who could correctly guess the number of molecules in Leonard Nimoy's butt. I was off my three, but I still won the grand prize! That's right, a first-class <b>...</b>
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